Every Time You Cum, Jesus Cries

Davies scores both on and off the court

When I heard about the Brandon Davies 'scandal' I was so fucking perplexed I had to actually stop to ask someone the date just to be sure we hadn't traveled back in time to the 1940's. In case you haven't heard (From: The Salt Lake City Tribune)

BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended from the Cougars’ nationally ranked team for the remainder of the season because he violated the school’s honor code provision that prohibits premarital sex...the school owned and operated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced Davies had been dismissed from the team but was being allowed to remain in school while his situation was under review by the Honor Code Office...Davies was averaging 11.1 points and a team-leading 6.2 rebounds per game this season for a team that entered Wednesday’s game ranked No. 3 in the nation...According to a source close to the program, Davies was “extremely remorseful, heartbroken,” but has accepted the punishment doled out by the school

Can you believe this shit? Poor fucking kid.  The only reason anyone should ever feel "extremely remorseful" and "heartbroken" after sex is if they just slept with me.

That said, I'm not gonna waste my time defending Davies. It's 20-fucking-11 in the FREE WORLD and if I have to expend even the most minimal amount of energy trying to explain why its okay for a 19 year old to have consensual sex with his girlfriend, it would literally make me feel like I was living in Pakistan and I would have to stop shaving forever.


This whole situation just proves, yet again, that when ANY religion is taken too literally the result is a load of chaste cock.

But fuck it. We're all godless hipsters who won't give a shit about religion until it becomes fashionably ironic, so instead of criticizing Jesus let's focus on the practical things we can learn from this tragedy:

First off, the fact that Brandon Davies was willing to jeopardize his career for pussy clearly demonstrates he is NBA ready. If I was an agent I'd be giving him a call and getting the papers together effective immediately.

The second thing this shows is that most of his Christian teammates are liars and cowards. Exactly two of them have come forward in Davies defense since he was dismissed and the rest of the team is still pretending that the only way they get off is by jerking off for Jesus. By continuing to play after his dismissal his teammates are openly saying to the world they are either: a) still virgins or b) also in violation of the honor code and lying about it. I'll let you decide which you find more plausible (hint: none of them have been known to wear purity rings).

And congratulations to BYU for effectively killing the future of its basketball program. If I was a 18 year old athlete with a smooth mid-range game and a dick that slaps off my knees as I'm dribbling to half court, there's no way I would waste my prime years in a mormon virginity pit. Who's gonna sign up to play for a school that enforces an honor code? Shit, you thought Charlie Sheen's publicist had it rough, try being a BYU basketball recruiter this summer.

The future looks bleak for BYU hoops. But then again maybe not - I hear the tall Jonas brother has got some game in the low post.