BREAKING: DRUGS QUIT AMY WINEHOUSE

AP -- After a long and tumultuous relationship that has seen many public lows, it appears as though Amy Winehouse and Drugs are finally finished - at the behest of Drugs! In a shocking turn of events Drugs have decided to quit the 25 year old British singer citing excessive abuse as the main cause for the split. Case notes obtained from Police Department specifically detail these instances of abuse which were noted to include repeated incidents of cutting and burning. One particularly gruesome report detailed a situation in which the victim was held over tinfoil and burned with a lighter and another told of how the victim was routinely forced into an airtight plastic bag for hours before being cut up with a razor.

Reading from a prepared statement Asa Mendelbergman, a lawyer from Goldmann Goldberg and Stein, had the following to say on behalf of Drugs at a press conference held earlier today

"We believe that the events that have taken place recently are a logical and necessary step for our client. Everyone is well aware of the fact that Ms. Winehouse has been aggressively abusing Drugs for some time now, it is a matter of public record, and there comes a point where one must take a stand and break free from the destructive cycle in which they are trapped so that they can hopefully move forward. It became clear after a long period of time that Ms. Winehouse had no inclination of ending this relationship in spite of its destructive nature, so my client was forced to make a decision that ultimately will lead to the fulfilment of their best long term interests."

When asked what the future might hold for Drugs, Mendelbergman said

"Over the next few months my client is looking forward to rebuilding their reputation, which has been tarnished so heinously in the popular media because of events involving Ms. Winehouse. Everyone knows that Amy Winehouse has made Drugs look bad; my client simply wants the public to forget this and remember instead that they are first and foremost about the 'good times'."

When reached for comment Ms. Winehouse expressed shock and a general sense of disbelief over the situation

"Can this even happen? Is it even possible for Drugs to quit me? How? How could this happen?"

Some believe that Winehouse's statement represents the egotistical denial of a compulsive abuser who refuses to acknowledge the error of their ways, while others sympathize with her disposition citing the fact that Drugs are nothing more than a collection of inanimate chemical compounds who lack the agency to make such a weighty decision.

Public opinion is also split with regard to who the real victim is in this scandal.
When asked if he believed his client was in some way to blame for the negative outcome of the relationship Mr. Mendelbergman stated that he did not believe so.

"I know a lot of people are going to have a lot of questions about who the real victim is here but I think at the end of the day it's clear that it's Drugs. My client has had many well functioning relationships with high profile celebrities in the past and this leads me to believe that it's Ms. Winehouse's lack of self control and her proclivity for self-destructive behaviour that ultimately caused the disintegration of this particular relationship. It hasn't always been like this for my client. I mean just look at how things have been with Keith."

Mendelbergman was of course referring to Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, who has also had a long term relationship with Drugs which many suspect is still ongoing.