Cleopatra Jones and The Black Ass - a closer look at what makes The Black Ass so special

The Black Ass.

To explain it is redundant. It is a term easily comprehended by all. As innate as our understanding of God, as obvious as Britney's pantiless twat exiting a limo. If I say 'Black Ass' you know what I'm talking about. There is no need to go any further.

In spite of this, I will attempt in today's post to refine our understanding of what the Black Ass is and what it means. Arguably the greatest contribution made by African Americans to modern society, alongside Barack Obama and Public Enemy, The Black Ass deserves its moment of consideration and today on Suffer the Fool it gets just that.

Perhaps you've noticed that when I type the words 'Black Ass' I do so using capitalization. This is because The Black Ass demands such respect. It commands attention. Why mute its significance with small letters when its force is so undeniable? To downplay it by using lower case type would be like trying to put out a raging forest fire using a bottle of Aquafina. Instead of pursuing such a pointless methodology, the majesty of The Black Ass is represented to the fullest here in upper case.

The Black Ass is to ass what the Pyramids are to architecture. It is ancient, a mystery, a wonder of the modern age that goes beyond the realm of appearance into the ethereal. It is worthy of awe and mythology and like the Pyramids it is where many men wish to bury (parts of) themselves. It stands firm, solid, unmoved by the hands of time. As age and gravity work in unison to ravage many different types of ass – dropping them lower, flattening them, loosening the skin of the buttock and littering the cheeks with cellulite and wrinkles – The Black Ass playfully ignores gravity as though it were some cruel made-up rumour like 'the cooties'. Behold with thine eyes! The Black Ass at age 40 much resembleth the Black Ass at age 20 in both bubble and texture.

The Black Ass:
descrp. - M(ass)ive, (Ass)tronomical, (Ass)tounding, Incredul(ass), Glutton(ass), Stupend(ass), (Ass)inine, V(ass)t, A(bum)dant, (Bum)b(ass)tic, Enorm(ass)

Antonym – the asian ass

While the asian ass presents the world of ass as a flat, one-dimensional uninterrupted continuation of the back into the thigh, The Black Ass rebukes such narrow behindedness with all the boldness of Eratosthenes, instead affirming the world of ass to be spherical and globe like. Mostly ignored through the 80's hey day of cocaine, in which a small titted skeletonesque body was the epitome of beauty (think Blondie), The Black Ass rose to prominence in the mid to late 90's soaring to new heights on the prevalent trend of female exploitation in commercial hip-hop videos. The Black Ass became famous in 5 minute atonal doses brought to suburban living rooms in prime time via MTV and BET. It had media representation and thus had arrived.

Like many natural phenomena, The Black Ass has many permutations and forms that collectively comprise its whole. For example this photo is of a Black Ass





So is this one



And, because God is a mad scientist who sometimes doesn't know when to take his foot off the gas, so is this





At this point it is important to note that The Black Ass, in spite of its name, is not a uniquely racial attribute. Being black and having an ass does not mean that one will have a Black Ass, nor does being non-black and having an Ass mean that said Ass cannot qualify as being a Black Ass. Allow me to explain further using jpeg technology



This photo is of Ice-T's wife Coco. As you can see, she is – much like Ice-T – a white woman. I may be wrong on this but I believe she is of Serbian descent (?). Anyway point is: she's not black (read: African American/African). Yet, look at her ass! Clearly that is a Black Ass! Albeit of a lighter tint. As my friend Chris so eloquently put it when we came across this magazine cover at our local Chapters:

“Dude, you could tit fuck her ass. Like, have sex with her ass cheeks without actually penetrating anything.”

In the wake of hearing this remark I realized two things:

1 – My friends are philosophers and poets

2- Coco was a white woman with a Black Ass

Applying this same logic which states that The Black Ass is not principally defined by race, you can also see that the reverse is true. Behold a 1980's Diana Ross



This photo captures Diana in the aforementioned 80's coke days where a linear profile made you fuckable in the eyes of drugged yuppies. Notice the flatness of her ass – the apparent 'asianness' of it. Notice how it almost appears as if her back continues directly into the high end of her thighs. Now while Diana is most definitely black and, to the best of my knowledge, has an ass, she certainly does not have a Black Ass.

This proves that race is not a determining factor in whether or not one has a Black Ass, it is rather properties inherent in the Ass itself which dictate its designation of being a Black Ass.


How one feels about the Black Ass is a very personal thing. There are some who can only appreciate it in its less radical forms, while there are others I like to call Assmen Without Borders who bravely pursue the most extreme Blackest Ass imaginable. For them less is never more.

What I have noticed in my unscientific observation is: of all males, the population most attracted to The Black Ass are...wait for it...wiggers!!
In the same way black men view the courtship of white women as being the ultimate 'fuck you' to the historical oppression they have faced as a result of segregation, the wigger believes obtaining The Black Ass will somehow alleviate him from the pain of his whiteness. It brings him one step closer to being 'real'.

To me this is the pure vision of racial harmony dreamed so many times over by men like Martin Luther King: a skinny white basketball playing hip hopping wigger whose arms embrace a Black woman with an ass so pronounced you could rest a tray on it. This is the future made possible because of The Black Ass.

In the summer time I'll head down to the local basketball court for no reason in particular. I'll sit and watch a pack of Jason 'white chocolate' Williams wannabes perfecting their behind the back off the elbow pass. I'll watch them run the point and work a mediocre mid-range game. Then I watch as cute black girls from the neighbourhood come rolling around, their Black Asses hanging out the bottom of their booty shorts, licking a popsicle with their phat lips and acting like they could give a fuck about anything at all. That's when the game stops. The ball gets put away and the boys all take a moment to witness it together, their wiggerish hearts thumping in synch to the rhythm of Tribe's Electric Relaxation. That's usually when I hear one of them say:

“Yo man, there she goes...Cleopatra Jones: queen of the block. Black Ass natural. Holla!”.