Let There Be Shite!! terrible religious e-mail scams examined - your e-mail answered

Reader Samantha (name changed) has sent me the following:

Hey Fool,
Take a look at this crap we get in our junk box!! These people actually think that because they include all this Christian babble we are supposed to believe that it's legit. I'd like to see you write a post about thisbullshit email scam everyone gets. I do think that this one actually topsthe cake of all email scams.


-----Original Message-----From: Mrs Roesel kunie [mailto:infohankon@inbox.com]Sent: Tuesday, November 11, 2008 8:33 PM
Subject: TRUST IN THE LORD Importance: High
TRUST IN THE LORD
From: Mrs. Roesel Kunie

I Roesel Kunie from France. I am married to Dr Fabien Kunie whoworked with France Embassy in America for seven years before he died in theyear 2006.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after abrief illness that lasted for only two weeks. Before his death we were bothborn again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get achild outside my Matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my latehusband was alive he deposited the sum of 24Million Dollars (twenty fourMillion United State Dollars) on the safe deposit box with the bank. Europe.

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(NOTE TO EVERYONE: I HAVE STOPPED READING AT THIS POINT BECAUSE I'M NOT MENTALLY RETARDED. IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE READING THE REST OF THIS IT'S YOUR LIFE/TIME. I RECOMMEND YOU SKIP TO MY REPLY AT THE BOTTOM. CHEERS)
***

Presently, this money is still deposited on the safe deposit box with thebank.Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next four monthsdue to cancer Problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.Having known my condition I decided to donate this Fund to church or betterstill a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am goingto instruct here in. I want a church that will use these funds to fundchurches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensurethat the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand thatblessed is the hand that giveth.
I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit thismoney and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want myhusband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don't want asituation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence thereason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I knowwhere I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.The lord he will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don't need anytelephone communication in this regard because of my health and because ofthe presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want themto know about this development.
With God all things are possible As soon as I receive your reply I shallgive you the contact of the BANK in Europe I will also issue you a letter ofauthority that will prove you as the original- beneficiary of this Fund. Iwant you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is myshepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoeverthat wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Pleasealways be prayerful all through your life.
Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church orChristian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you willact accordingly as I stated herein Hoping to hearing from you.
I have set aside 30% for you and for your time and 10% for any expenses ifthere is any then remaining balance for the word of God.
Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ,

Mrs. Roesel Kunie



Jesus fucking Christ. Is it over yet? What year is it? Is Obama still President? Man, that shit went on FOREVER. Are you done yet Mrs. Kuntie (pron. cunt-y) ?

Don't know bout y'all but I tuned the fuck out after the first paragraph. Bitch couldn't pay me 24 million dollars to finish reading that. This e-mail is about as legit as a 20 dollar Rolexx watch and not even God himself could save the stupidity of its premise.
Where do I begin...?

This 'scam' e-mail is insulting on so many levels it’s like a high rise tower of retardation. The perpetrator(s) of this fraud clearly could care less about succeeding and it shows in the quality of their hustle. First off, the e-mail is way too long. Who's gonna read that whole thing? It's like a deceitful, manipulative electronic text version of War and Peace.
The average person’s attention span is less than fifteen secon – hey...HEY...I'm still talking here! Can I fucking finish please? - Anyway, the average person's attention span is shorter than Verne Troyer kneeling down to ki....wait...what was I talking about again? Fuck man - Ritalin!! (stops, pops, continues...)

In today's world you have to work with short attention spans which means saying more while using fewer words. Shit man, kids nowadays can't even be bothered to use vowels when they text each other. Using whole 'words' when you write is sooooo Generation X. Here's the last text I got from this 21 year old girl I was trying to sleep with:

omg! Ur 2 lolz! lmao. Ur 2 mch stfu gtfo.

At first I thought maybe she was texting me in Polish, and then I realized it’s just some kind of code. I still have no idea what it means.
Anyway, take a long hard look at that text message Mrs. Cunty – does that seem like the focused mind of someone who will gladly read through your 10,000 words of yawn? So this is your first problem.

The second problem I have is the general lack of quality in the storyline and prose. This is supposed to be a scam man – be slick! Hire a top of his class Jew school lawyer and sit down with him; hammer out a plausible scenario that people might actually consider believing that doesn't involve something as unrealistic as a Christian widower wanting to give away 24 million dollars to anyone with a hotmail account.
If Shapiro could make 12 jurors ignore DNA evidence then that's exactly the kind of person you need authoring your crooked fables. As it stands, the whole storyline just seems like uninspired, lazy, shoulder shrugging Gen-Y broadband bullshit. As anyone who has seen the parade scene from the Nicholson/Keaton Batman will tell you, there is no such thing as free money. It's one of life's more obvious truths, as plain for all to see as Clay Aiken's feminine mystique.

Pay attention Mrs. Cunty: If I've already stopped believing you before I've finished reading the first paragraph you know you fucked up somewhere. In fact this whole 'scam' is so poorly executed I have a feeling Isaiah Thomas is somehow involved. He has to be. I'm so sure of it from this moment forward Mrs. Cunty you will now be referred to as Isaiah.

Bottom line: this e-scam is too dumb to be taken seriously. I don't even know why I'm talking about it here and wasting precious blog space. It's harmless. I feel no pity for anyone who has been victimized by Isaiah. If you have been duped by this or any other obvious-as-the-sky-being-blue e-scam then you don't deserve to have money. Plain and simple. It's like a techno-viral form of natural selection that will separate those not fit to breed from their resources, hopefully ending their genetic lineage. So in this sense I have no problem with the scam – stupid is as stupid does (F.Gump) and the human race is a leaner meaner fighting machine.

But what about the religious angle? Why are they targeting Christians?

Please foOl explain! why did they have to drag religion into this whole sordid mess!

Look, what is there for me to say about Christians that isn’t already implied in the aimless diarrhea like spray of this false letter? Do I really need to say it again? Do I? Fine…for the 1,000,000th time since Palin became a household name…

Christians of America: everyone thinks you’re dumb.

Do I think Christians are dumb? No. I think all religion is dumb and that if you can’t parse the good parts from the downright retarded parts you’ll end up like this homo hater, or this crazy angry jewish guy, or even this now dead jackass who rolled into a residential area and blew himself up in the name of Allah while his friends caught the view from a nearby cave- why? Is it the 72 virgins?

Let me ask you something muslims of the world: do you think they even allow fucking in heaven? Sorry…Paradise?? From what I understand of all religions Islam is one of the more repressive when it comes to pleasures of the flesh. You think if Allah doesn’t want you fucking on earth that maybe he’ll somehow tolerate it in Paradise (btw: what a total misnomer if 'Paradise' really is a no sex zone)? So then what’s the point?Have fun staring at 72 virgins in sexless amazement for all eternity while a government worker power washes your stain off a city sidewalk. I digress…

Can you honestly tell me that there is any clear cut winner in this never ending race toward intolerant insanity?
No, Christians aren’t any dumber than the adherents of any other religion. They’re just richer and more common throughout America so they make for a better target market. Playing the religious angle is the only smart thing Isaiah did in formulating his master plan e-scam. Given the current recession people are afraid and desperate and when you mix those feelings together with religious sentiment you end up with a speedball of dislogic so potent it will leave your brain as dead as Chris Farley. I still maintain this whole thing is harmless though because who the fuck is going to read that whole letter let alone reply to it?
Like so many things I come across day to day it appears as though the only purpose of this e-scam is to waste my time, effectively robbing me of the vitality and resource I require to achieve my own success in life. If this was secretly Isaiah’s stated aim from the beginning, and my aggravation is the measure of his genius, then I take back everything I’ve said here – this is the greatest scam in the world.