Wink at the Cock: why my friends want to fuck Sarah Palin

As we were watching the Vice Presidential debate, listening to colloquialisms of real America and Joe-6-Pack, my friend paused for a moment to ask me the following:

“Why do I want to sperm inside Sarah Palin so bad?”

I had no answer readily forthcoming so he used the pregnant pause to elaborate on why exactly it is he felt so bewildered by his nuts desire

“I mean think about it. Yeah, she's good looking, but not great looking. She's old. On an absolute scale of hotness she's nowhere near what I'm used to stroking to. She's dumb. She talks like people from Minnesota. She has 5 kids or some shit. She's a Jesus freak. I mean....why?”

I had never really stopped to think about it.
Scared to throw out any old answer off the top of my head I told him I'd sleep on it and get back to him. After a few days mulling it over I believe I have a solid theory and I will now share it with you here on the blog.

First let me say that I agree with his assessment of Palin. While she would make for a great episode of My Wife's Hot Friend or My Friend's Hot Mom she's nowhere near being as jerk worthy as the hype would suggest. So then why the hype?

I believe it's exactly because of the qualities my friend pointed out that Sarah Palin has midwestern Republican males muttering her name while they pound away at their wives in a eyes-closed missionary. It's her ordinariness that is so appealing.

She doesn't have god like intelligence. She's not so hot that you could only imagine her behind the gated walls of the Playboy mansion; a place you will never be invited to. She's just a high end version of what you come across day to day and because of this your imagination doesn't have to lie to itself to create some crazy alternate reality in which you might be able to bang her.

Like a midget who knows he will never eat the sweet fruit that grows on the highest branch of the tree, there is a sadness and distance that permeates every male fantasy revolving around women of perfect beauty. The Jessica Alba's and Meghan Fox's of the world are so out of reach your dick knows it will probably never grace the same zip code they live in. There is no way around this and as life slowly breaks you down you probably start to look at that type of unattainable fantasy with an ever growing disgust because you know that it will never be for you. If you're some dude living in Ohio working for minimum wage then the image of the bikini clad supermodel on the cover of men's magazines is probably as mocking as it is exciting.
Sarah Palin is popular for the same reason amateur porn is popular. For all the flaws and imperfections, it's real.

Now the counter argument to my proposed theory is that there is nothing 'real' about the possibility of banging a governor-cum-vice presidential-candidate who already has a family and is in her own way a celebrity. If anything this would be less realistic than your chances of bedding, say, a fucked up Britney Spears during a moment of mental breakdown.

I agree but maintain that my theory holds for the following reason:

The mind of the male fantasy does not consider social status or professional position when measuring how realistic something is. It doesn't think along the lines of “well she's a governor so I guess she's too good for me”, it's more like “if I came across this chick in a bar what would my chances be?”. In such a situation your chances would always seem more realistic with a Sarah Palin than a spoiled bitch celebrity who's used to fucking Calvin Klein models and actors.

There are also other factors that play into Palin's favour.

She dresses and looks like a librarian/secretary but has 5 kids, a fact that gives off the impression she's reserved and professional on the outside but hungry for dick on the inside.

Her daughter is pregnant at 17 demonstrating an irresponsible lust for cock. Using the 'apple doesn't fall far from the tree' theory one can also presume that Palin Sr. is of a similar disposition.

She owns a gun and drinks, which means she probably has no problem getting down with the guys.

Another thing she has going for her that no one will probably readily point out is the fact that her face is becoming increasingly familiar and this has an effect that leads a man's mind to wonder. Men will tend to fantasize about what it would be like to sleep with every single woman they meet.

Every. Single. One.

They can't help it. Even if she's repulsive the thought of being on top of her will still flicker through their mind for a split second, more than likely causing them discomfort. Its reflex and it can't be helped.
If the female in question isn't absolutely repulsive then the thought will probably cross a man's mind more than once. If he sees her often enough it will pass through his consciousness even more times still until, if he sees her on a regular enough basis, what may have started initially as disgust or indifference turns into a morbid curiosity. If this curiosity grows, fuelled by repeated exposure to the female in question, then the morbid curiosity could manifest into a shameful lust that a man buries inside himself and reveals to no one. This lust will cause a man to (insert any of the following: fantasize about, snap off to, drunkenly make out with, angrily hate fuck) the female object of his curiosity. I'm positive that this effect is what has led to anomalies like the Chyna Playboy shoot and the Tonya Harding Penthouse debacle. Man's need to know is at times a double edged sword.

Now Sarah Palin is an attractive older woman especially given her age and the fact that she has 5 kids so there's no shame in openly espousing an interest for her. In her day she was probably worth more than her share in soiled tissue. Take this fact and add to it the repeated exposure effect that I've mentioned above and it's like a perfect storm category 5 dick stiffener that isn't afraid to voice itself.

So next time you find yourself Googling: Palin bikini gun because its just that time of day, remember that science and psychology and biology are all conspiring inside you to make you feel the way you do. It's nothing worth puzzling over and there's nothing wrong with it, so long as you maintain the common sense to never vote for her.