Que(e)ry: why so gay? An open question to the gay public

So I'm at the mall yesterday, 8 years removed from high school, and I'm breezing by Club Monaco looking to step up my work wardrobe when eye spy from the corner of my eye a man in a home made neon pink belly top. Amused by the fact that flagrant homosexuality was working its way into the suburbs I stopped to evaluate the queerness.

My conclusion: What a homo.

Black and red dyed new wave haircut. A neon pink shirt cut into a belly top, presumably in order to reveal his belly button ring. Pinstripe fitted dress pants and buckle up Beatle boots. Accessories like he just robbed a Claire's.
Like Billy Baldwin in Backdraft, I could feel the flame at a hundred paces. It was like he was surrounded by an aura of disco and penis.
I was so entranced by his unabashed faggotry that I didn't even notice he was walking right towards me with a look of bewildered recognition in his eye.

It was Tom!!
Holy fuck. Could it really be?
I hadn't seen Tom since high school!
We shook hands and gave each other a man hug, which I could tell was awkward for him by the pansyish lightness with which he briefly patted my back. Fuck had he changed! In high school he was 100% closeted and never really a dead give for homo. Now, the only thing he could do to make himself visibly gayer would be to walk around with a cock in his ass.
Wow.
We chatted for over twenty minutes catching up about shit like what we were listening to these days and what we were doing for work. Not once did I openly address his new gayness. I didn't need to. It would've been like talking about the weather or anything else that's too obvious to be interesting. I would talk about how I hate my job and he would retort with tales of his latest music project in a voice so lyspy it was like listening to Cobra Commander lead the attack. Every drawn out "s" was accompanied by a limp wristed gesture that was way over the top when compared to the level of intensity in the conversation. The whole time I stood there smiling thinking to myself that Tom had gone from being the guy I knew in high school to the living stereotype of a Church St. queen.
This made me happy!
Why? Because I could tell that for the first time ever when I looked at Tom he seemed free. Back in high school he kind of always kept to himself and never really appeared to be at ease. In retrospect it was probably an effect of him harbouring anxiety over the fact he was gay. No more anxiety now though. It had been replaced with a vibrant joy about nothing in particular. I asked him where he was going for lunch and he replied “I don't know !” with the wild enthusiasm of someone peaking on ecstasy. Was he high? No. But he sure was fucking gay.

Now I've never had any problem with gay people. I've never been able to understand why other guys would either. Most gay men are better looking than me, not so much by natural design as by sheer force of will. They work out hard and do steroids and all kinds of other shit and are just generally more looks conscious than the average straight guy will ever be. It would really suck to have to compete against gay men for women because it wouldn't be a fair fight. Luckily they have no interest in pussy. This means less competition for me and fuck all that talk of 'it feels better when you have to work hard for it'; every man with a dick and common sense knows that the Protestant work ethic is bullshit and that easier is better.
So if you're straight, how can gays be a bad thing?
To illustrate, say you're at a club and its a 50/50 mix of guys to girls, but half of the guys there are gay, you don't have to be making the line in Vegas to figure that the odds just took a turn in your favour.

So I'm 100% pro gay. Pro gay rights, pro gay marriage. If you're better looking than I am, fuck it, by all means please suck a dick. I've never felt threatened by homos and I have no hate in my heart towards gays in general.

But there is one thing that has consistently baffled me about gay men and I would like to put it out here today as an open question in search of an answer. If you're gay or know someone who is gay that can play Socrates to my Sphinx, please have them shoot me an e-mail.

My question:
Why is it that coming out of the closet changes the way a gay person talks/acts? Why the overnight lysp and limp wristedness? How is it that they go from passing as straight and showing no signs of stereotypical gay affectation to flaming out so hard they leave a trail of KY everywhere they strut?

I knew Tom before he was openly gay. He wasn't at all the same person I saw at the mall. Was that who he really was all along? Was there a little interior designer living inside of him that he had to keep mute all these years to maintain the illusion of heterosexuality? Was that why he always looked pensive and sad in high school?

Or

Is he more like the wiggers I see hanging around my plaza who spoke otherwise normal english until they turned 14 and started feeling compelled to begin and end every sentence with a "know wha'm sayin?", somewhere along the line losing themselves in the lie? I truly believe those kids have been faking so real they are beyond fake (C.Love, 1994) and couldn't go back to who they were without a rough transition. They would have to unlearn the entire persona they've built.

Are the lyspy-queeny types like this too? Is it all a front that went too far?

I don't know. But I need to know.

Gay People of the world – I accept you. I have no fear of you. I want to understand you. Help me.

If you have serious (read: REAL) answers to this sociological phenomenon then please by all means hit me up at sufferthefool@gmail.com.

If you're going to shoot me over answers like: “they lysp hard because they have a higher dietary intake of vitamin S”, please don't waste your time.

This is real science people.
If I get reasonable answers I'll make a follow up post where they'll be made available for all to see.

In the meantime I'll put my best guess out there as to why this easily observable phenomenon is so common place.

Okay...
An orgasm is defined as the build up and release of bodily tension typically occurring through the act of sex. I think that when a gay man comes out of the closet he has a gaygasm. This is when the tension that has been building up as a result of having to hide his gayness is released all at once. For every day he had to fake straight, I think the strain of that lie forms into a little ball of queerness that begins to grow inside him, finally coalescing into a fantastic rainbow mini-nova of pure 'faggot'. When that first step outside of the closet takes place that mini-nova literally explodes changing him forever. From that day forward, like Tom, its all about letting the world know how hard you can bite a pillow.

Sounds plausible right? If you think you can do better let me know. Much love to the gay community (nohomo).


Bless.