One Size Fits All

So I had a moment this morning –

It’s a moment every man has at some point in his life and will usually have a number of times before he dies. It’s that moment where approximation just isn’t good enough anymore and you feel compelled to break out a ruler and measure your erection.

Now this isn’t the first time curiosity has gotten the better of me. I had done this before - a number of times even - and yet still felt compelled to do it again. Why? Would anything have changed? Is there this impossible dream that all men have buried subconsciously inside themselves that maybe they might somehow be bigger than last time? Regardless, there I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror naked and holding a ruler, demanding a recount with the same hopeless desperation of a post-2000 election Al Gore.

One thing I have learned about measuring my dick over the years, and a common sentiment that has been echoed by the other men I have spoken to with regard to the subject, is that no matter how big your dick is you’ll never be satisfied. You’ll always want to be bigger. Some men have gotten the short end of the stick in life (pun intended) and so wanting to be longer is understandable, but what about guys who are like 8’ plus? Why would they want to be any bigger? Well I don’t know and I can’t say, but its probably the same reason why rednecks feel compelled to own 26 guns, hip-hop stars feel the need to own a half dozen luxury cars and Mormons want 10 wives. Maybe it’s because they know that since it could be bigger, it should be bigger. The male ego is an insatiable beast that won’t ever be satisfied until you have a 15’ Johnny Wad trouser snake that you couldn’t even get hard because it’s just so massive. A completely useless by-product of excess. It would just hang there like a huge, fleshy, lifeless monument to your greed. This is every man’s dream – giving yourself a pep talk in front of a mirror naked, just you and your flaccid monster dick.

Generally I’m pretty happy with my size. I can get deep up into a chick when I want to and from all the available scientific data I can firmly say I’m doing slightly better than the average. Still, I couldn’t bear the weight on my conscience of knowing that all this time, advertising myself amongst internet chat rooms as 7’; I might have been wilfully perpetuating a lie. I needed confirmation.

If you are a female reading this post and you’ve hung in thus far allow me to anticipate your reaction to what I’ve heretofore stated:

“Ewwww. Gross!! What a fucking WEIRDO! Measuring his dick with a RULER!!! This is the most fucked up shit of all time! EWWWWW”

I’m sorry that I’ve shattered the delicate illusion of innocence in your world with my writing. I really am. But there’s something that you should know that I’m prepared to tell you that might change your perspective on the whole thing. Before I tell you though I will give you two choices, since I know that knowledge of the type I’m about to drop on you will change your world in a seriously fundamental way from which there is no turning back. So here are your options…

Option #1

Leave now. Pretend you never found this blog and maybe, in a few weeks time any recollection of this post would have faded into the back of your memory like the time you let the basketball team gang bang you for homecoming. Go about your way of ignoring the hard facts of life and keep on watching the Hills. Hold on to that innocence. Leave now. Do it.

Or

Option # 2

You read on and accept the fact you’re going to hear some shit that might mess you up, although really it shouldn’t. It really isn’t anything that gross or weird at all. But it is something that you might not want to know. But read on! Be brave and leave here today with a new understanding of how men work…

(**** LAST CHANCE FOR OPTION #1 *****)



Okay here it is:

All men who have ever existed in history who have ever had access to a ruler – fuck that – ANY measuring device, have done this shit. Every single one.

Your boyfriend has done it. Your dad did it back in the 60’s. Your brother is doing it right now in his bedroom. Your uncle, your teacher, the fireman, the postman, the milkman, the garbage man, the sales clerk, that guy who sits next to you in French class, the dude you asked for directions, your favourite actor and the rock star you see on TV; all of them have one thing in common: They have all measured their dicks; probably even more than just once if they’re like me.

Next time you’re at church and you are talking to your Minister about the glory of Christ pause for a moment to imagine him naked measuring his cock with a ruler. Why? Cause it happened. Next time you see John McCain delivering a rousing speech about how he shot Stalin in the 30’s with a gun made out of wood and therefore the surge is the greatest military strategy of all time, take a moment to imagine him naked with his tortured hog in one hand and a ruler in the other. Why? Because he did it to!!
Every fucking human male as dictated by his XY chromosomes has at some point done it.
Now you ask: “Yeah, but with a ruler?”
Well no. Not always.
In the third world they use whatever they have, like stones or twigs or specks of dirt.
Ask some boy from Darfur who grew up with nothing how big his dick is and I’m sure you’ll get an answer that’s like: “5 stone” or “2 and a half twigs”.

When Oprah opened that state of the art school in South Africa and they had video clips of teachers handing out school supplies like pens and pencils and books to poor black kids, I bet the first thing the little black boys did when they got a ruler was run to the washroom so that they could measure their 13’ cocks.

It’s as universal a phenomenon as Canadian health care. If you’re a man, you just need to know.

Now that we’ve cleared the air about that….moving along…

What I have learned about measuring your dick is that technique matters. There are different ways to go about the process. Some give you a more favourable measurement while others give a less impressive, if not more realistic result.
For this post I decided to take a moment to share with other men the different techniques that I know of:

The Jewish Lawyer Technique

This technique squeezes every possible inch out of the measurement. While your results are likely to be derided as inaccurate and based more on technicalities than realities the bottom line is that your reasoning and method are logical. You cannot be faulted and the law (of male exaggeration) is on your side.

How to do it:
Press the ruler hard into the soft area of the pubis over top of the shaft so as to get the absolutely most generous measurement. The harder you push the better your result so make sure to use ample force. If you break the skin or bleed ignore this and seek treatment afterwards. After you have placed the ruler as described read the measurement at the absolute tip end of your dick and then add a half inch due to the fact these measurements were taken in a moment of duress where a ruler was being forcibly pressed into your pelvic area.

The Republican Economist Technique (*using mark to market strategy)

This strategy allows you to project into the future any increase you expect to have in cock size and if these increases can be anticipated accurately, you can use them now to describe the current state of your cock size.
I hear you asking “but what happens when those anticipated increases in cock size never materialize??”
Well then the economy crashes and Jeffrey Skilling goes to jail. But if all you care about is yourself and now (as opposed to the future) then this is the technique for you.

How to do it:
Measure yourself using a conventional technique starting above the shaft. Measure flush to the end of your head. Afterwards anticipate that with a healthy diet, exercise and the use of Swedish penal pumps and Longitude that you will make a gain of 1 to 2 inches in the next fiscal quarter. Report your immediate measurement results + the 2 anticipated inches to any woman you are looking to court (ie. if you measured in at 6’, say you are 8’). This isn’t lying because you can realistically expect a 2 inch increases at some point for the reasons stated above. This method creates confidence in prospective female partners who may be looking to invest in your sexual services. After you engage in activities with female clients and they realize your portfolio and assets aren’t what were originally stated they will be forced to sell you back off to the market at a substantial loss of both time and trust.




The Grandma Teaching You How to Save Money Technique

This technique understates what your dick size is now in favour of being able to report a greater size in future. What do you need all that dick now for anyways? If you measure all that dick now, there’ll be no dick left to measure later. Most people have more dick than they need and should start thinking about when they might need some dick down the line. What’s that you say? You only have a small dick? Well! That makes it even more important for you to have some dick left for later on. Don’t measure it all now. How are you ever going to pay off your home or support your kids if you measure your dick like this? If you keep measuring your dick the way you have been you’ll die alone and homeless!

How to do it:
Place the ruler under your shaft and in front of your balls. Read the measurement at 1/16 of an inch below where your head actually lines flush with the ruler, just to be safe. Yes, using this technique the amount of dick you would seem to have appears to be very little but on the upside when you measure again later sometime in the future using standard above-the-shaft techniques, you’ll see a huge increase that will make it all worthwhile!


The Hippie Technique

This technique isn’t concerned with “numbers” or “competition”. People who get all absorbed in that stuff are missing the point man. Measuring your dick is really all about knowing yourself and if that’s what you really want to get out of it then this has to be the best technique for you.

How to do it:
Start measuring from wherever you want man, because nobody can tell you what the best method for measuring your dick is for you. Know what I mean, man?
Just take a second to feel things out and really get in tune with the activity itself more so than the complications. So once you got that done don’t look at the numbers on the ruler or anything. That’s just you trying to validate yourself to society’s expectation and that’s total bullshit man. Instead just try being one with the ruler. Try to understand it. Clear your mind and free your spirit. Once you feel satisfied with your dick and its place in the world you can stop measuring and go smoke some pot and play hackey sack.

****

So end’s my post on the epic ritual that is measuring one’s own dick. Is there a lesson to be taken away from this piece? Probably not. Still it is comforting to know that whatever you might be packing as a third leg, one truth about women remains: one size fits all.