Friday, April 8, 2011

The Reverse Tan

If you're of a certain age, I'm sure you can agree that one of the most surreal pop culture moments of the 1980's had to be the release of Michael Jackson's 'BAD'. Prior to it dropping there had been rampant speculation that Jackson had decided to retire young, but that was obviously untrue. He was back in the game and staring at us from the cover of his latest album - albeit with a new and different look.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Latex Allergy

When I first started getting laid, ignorance was bliss. I would spend a virgins-only amount of time getting to know a girl and when I could tell that she was either comfortable or emotionally unstable enough to want to sleep with me, I would say a quiet thank you to God before mounting her and handling her body with all the fluid grace of a seagull rummaging through a landfill.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Minnesota Republicans Hate Poor People

You gotta hand it to politicians in 2011 - as far as shock value is concerned they make Marilyn Manson look like Donny Osmond. After all when was the last time that satanic freak did anything this outrageous or sinister:

Monday, March 21, 2011

Learning From the Global Village

The reason foreign cultures exist is so that we can learn from them. Think about how boring things would be if we all did everything the same. In today's Global Village if you've got a problem, odds are your neighbour has a solution to offer. That said, here are three news stories detailing things we can learn from International brethren.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Every Time You Cum, Jesus Cries

Davies scores both on and off the court

When I heard about the Brandon Davies 'scandal' I was so fucking perplexed I had to actually stop to ask someone the date just to be sure we hadn't traveled back in time to the 1940's. In case you haven't heard (From: The Salt Lake City Tribune)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

An Unemployed Winner

Well you gotta give Charlie Sheen credit - he's taking this shit way further than Joaquin Phoenix was ever willing to. Like everyone else that enjoys driving slowly past a car crash, I tuned into Tuesdays 20/20 special to get an inside glimpse into the world of the Sheenius. During the broadcast I was receiving texts from friends like "what a God" or "I wish I could have my virginity back so I could give it to Charlie Sheen". The consensus is: he's a hero.

I mean what's not to envy? Sheen has 2 cock hungry blonde girlfriends (crucial note: NOT wives), he's living in  ,  he's more famous than ever, he has unlimited access to drugs...I'm sure there's a 16 year old somewhere in the world right now doodling a picture of heaven on the back of their notebook that looks something like Charlie Sheen's life.

To be honest, I was also pretty blown away by how hard Sheen is WINNING; up until the part where they mentioned he's a 45 year old father with 5 kids.

There are no actual metrics to measure successful parenthood, but if there were one of them would be how long, as a father, you manage to keep a bikers dick out of your daughters ass. By this standard Charlie Sheen is already a failure. You don't need a DeLorean and Christopher Lloyd to know that in the future both of his daughters will be taking Hell's Angels cocks in their asses. These girls don't stand a fucking chance. Every crazed rant he goes off on today directly correlates to one sticky wad his daughters will be struggling to shampoo out of their hair in the not too distant future.
I watched the 20/20 special with three other people and not one of them seemed to give a shit about Charlie's kids. They were too busy high fiving each other over how "Epic" Sheen is, dusting off 7 gram rocks while riding mercury surfboards.

His boys are also safe. They're being raised by a porn star and marijuana magazine cover model. What could possibly go wrong? 10 years from now they'll look back at how cool their dad was and that memory will totally save them from OD'ing or going to jail. According to Sheen anyway.
And who knows? Maybe he's right. Maybe winning runs in the family. Except for Emilio of course.